Accepting Imbalance

The thing I miss most about India is the feeling of accomplishment at the end of each day. The moment when I finally put my disgustingly dirty feet up and my head hit the pillow, I felt whole. “I didn’t die today!” I would think as I fell towards semi-consciousness. Traveling through India was enjoyable, sure, but it felt more like something to endure rather than enjoy. I’m guessing this is because it was my first time, but it really felt as though each day in which I survived was a small battle won. Communicating was a constant challenge and constantly having to have my guard up was draining. Accepting the poverty and pollution was an evolving process. And maintaining my own balance? Forget about it! I was never comfortable because I knew the moment I enjoyed a moment of equilibrium, something would be lurking for me around the corner to plummet me right back down.  I had to always stay neutral.

However, over time, the chaos of India became normal and even welcome. The constant fear of traveling alone dulled into a sense of exhilaration as I lived to “die another day”. I fell asleep quickly and easily, exhausted from the day’s events and happy to be safe. My lullaby was the sound of horns blaring, women wailing, cows mooing, engines backfiring and strange birds singing. I awoke with the dawn because I didn’t want to miss the colours of the sky over the Arabian Sea. And the best shit always happens in the morning in India! Village elephants are walked and bathed, devotees make offerings at the hilltop temples, pilgrims wash in the murky waters of the Ganges, fishermen cast their nets as feral cats prowl from afar… it all became the multi-hued palate of everyday India. I felt alive and connected to the energies of the world when I was learning about myself in relation to India.

And now I’m home. Huh. This home has changed so much for me. Normally, with reverse culture shock, a traveler returns from an epic adventure to find that they have changed substantially but that their familiar people and places have not. This was SO not true in my case! Within hours of touching down on Canadian soil, the things I had taken for granted, things like a comfortable home or a loving, kind partner, had changed. And I cannot imagine it being any other way. Returning to the same life, after such an altering personal experience, would have deflated me. In India, I challenged myself each day. I navigated an exotic world which wasn’t entirely safe. I overcame language barriers, learned new customs, shed my ingrained beliefs in order to adapt to a different way of life. I feel like that was preparation for my next stage, whatever that is.

So thank you India. Yes, you can be a real jerk sometimes, but I forgive you. 

Sometimes what appears to be a shitty situation is actually a heat source in the desert ;)